


It's Very Beautiful Over There

by polyethylenepam (verywellfandango)



Category: Looking for Alaska - John Green
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-16
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verywellfandango/pseuds/polyethylenepam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was late. Impossibly, unbelievably, unforgivably late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Very Beautiful Over There

She swerved around a corner, driving as fast as her car would allow.

She was late. Impossibly, unbelievably, unforgivably late. She had never hated herself more in that moment, for forgetting something like this. It was bad enough that she had brought about her death, and now this. Her self-loathing surged through her, scorching her inside with the insurmountable guilt that incited her to push harder on the accelerator.

She couldn't see how she would ever be forgiven. It was penance that brought her to the same spot every goddamn year, among other things. Her punishment, for letting a human life slip away before her very eyes. This was her labyrinth of suffering, and for years, she couldn't find a way out. Until now.

She had found her moment. She would have done it sooner, but there was no way to do it at the Creek, and not when she felt Pudge's and the Colonel's disapproving stares wherever she went.

No, she thought. She wouldn't have done it, she was sure of that. It was just unfortunate coincidence that brought her here, as if some divine being - she scoffed silently - had heard her thoughts and half wishes and set up the strangest of situations.

She wondered whether what happened between her and Pudge, whether it was a goodbye of sorts. She definitely hadn't thought of it like that, but perhaps her subconscious mind had been preparing herself, for her conscious one had been unwilling to accept it. She knew the way out of the labyrinth, and she wanted to escape the suffering, more than anything in the world. More than the thought of her father, Jake, Pudge, the Colonel, Takumi.

She loved them, each in their own way. She loved her father, though she inwardly flinched every time she saw the hidden accusation flicker in the depths of his eyes. She couldn't blame him, though. It was her fault, and there was nothing she could do about it, but embrace the guilt with open arms and live with it.

She loved Jake with all that her heart had to spare. He was the perfect boyfriend, and so caring and loving towards her. She didn't deserve him, that's for sure. He gave her love and she cheated on him with Pudge. She didn't deserve either of them, not Jake, not Pudge. She was destined to be alone, and die alone; that much she was sure of.

She would miss the Colonel. Him and his mathematical bullshit, along with their planned pranks. Loving memories flashed fleetingly in her eyes; the good times spent laughing and bumming smokes off one another by the Creek.

She stared at the police car, breathing erratically, her lungs working hard to keep up.

The answer was staring her in the face. The police car. The intoxication. The perfect excuse, she concluded, the lucid thought shining through her hazy thoughts.

Could she do it? Would she? Or would she simply slow down and live with the suffering and the pain of the godforsaken labyrinth for another handful of years and deal with the shambles of her life?

She thought of Pudge one last time. He was obsessed with famous last words. Did she have any of her own to utter? She tried to think of something witty, something that he'd be impressed by, but she was in no state of mind to say something witty and courageous to be remembered by. She'd die a silent death.

She stepped on the gas pedal one last time, and as the car surged forwards, she let go of reality and waited to be swept up into the arms of her mother, just like when she was a little girl.


End file.
